Every Vampire Weekend Song Ranked

Vampire Weekend’s fifth studio album “Only God Was Above Us” arrives Friday, April 5th. Count down to the impending white boy summer with our ranking of every Vampire Weekend song (excluding covers and remixes, sorry Danny Brown) in addition to the Top 10 applications of garlic across foods I’ve eaten.

Garlic Confit

Full disrespect, none of y’all were making this before you saw twats spend $40 on garlic for two shots in an over-produced Tiktok video. Sure, taste’s good on toast, but if you made this for the first time after lockdown you’re a bot.

59. Lord Ullin’s Daughter

Father of the Bride (Deluxe Bonus Track)

Its not really an original song, but in fact Jude Law reading the Thomas Campbell poem over a deconstructed “Big Blue” beat. But it exists. And is a song. So it is here.

58. One (Blake’s Got a New Face)

Vampire Weekend

I’m enjoying the song for a minute, and then the chorus comes, and then I skip.

57. Arrows

Vampire Weekend (B-Side)

Feels like a great Vampire Weekend song that sprained its ankle and won’t be able to play in the big game.

56. Jonathan Low

Twilight: Eclipse Soundtrack

Team Jacob.

55. Young Lion

Modern Vampires of the City

While it serves as a perfect finale to their epic MVOTC, I will not be throwing this on at the yacht club.

54. Hudson

Modern Vampires of the City

It’s just a little too mysterious, too sinister. Would probably bang live though.

Garlic Knots

Frank’s Pizza please come back.

53. Jerusalem, New York, Berlin

Father of the Bride

Another understated album closer, and incredibly important for Koenig’s religious canon.

52. 2021

Father of the Bride

FOTB is Vampire Weekend’s most woke album to date and 2021 is perhaps their most pointed political track, carried by a lovely Haruomi Hosono sample.

51. Spring Snow

Father of the Bride

Deep FOTB cuts muddle together a bit, but I Spring Snow cuts through. I’d say its their most danceable track.

50. My Mistake

Father of the Bride

There isn’t another Vampire Weekend song that sounds like this one. I’ll leave that statement up for interpretation.

49. Bryn

Vampire Weekend

Divine riffs, changing my name to Bryn.

48. Ladies of Cambridge

Mansard Roof B-side

Is Boston the Rome of New England?

Aioli

If you are a restaurant owner and you do not provide fries with $16 burgers on your menu, I hope your building catches fire in a freak accident that leads the bank to repo your house since you leveraged your mortgage for a business loan. I hope your children hate you, and your spouse cheats with someone comically ugly. I hope your last meal is a $16 burger that doesn’t come with fries, right before you succumb to liver failure.

47. Run

Contra

If Ezra is on a song, just know that vocal melody will be the best thing you’ve ever heard.

46. I Stand Corrected

Vampire Weekend

Most Twitter users could learn a thing or two from the first verse.

45. Married in a Gold Rush

Father of the Bride

Like the animals outside the mine, I too am illiterate.

44. The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance

Vampire Weekend

The greatest Mandela Effect is when you remember this song closes their debut and not “Walcott.”

43. We Belong Together

Father of the Bride

Danielle Haim cooked him tbh.

42. Hold You Now

Father of the Bride

Watch your mouth when talking ’bout the Father of the Bride (1991) starring Steve Martin.

Caesar Salad

Rome collapsed for this. Worth.

41. Houston-Dubai

Father of the Bride (Deluxe Bonus Track)

That’s probably a terrible flight.

40. Rich Man

Father of the Bride

I imagine myself a giant, marching towering legs to the beat of the “Rich Man” breakdown.

39. Giant

Contra (B-Side)

Now I imagine myself a giant just chilling.

38. I Think Ur a Contra

Contra

The Angelique Kidjo cover solved racism.

37. California English Pt 2

Cousins (B-side)

This song is so great, I wish California was real.

36. White Sky

Contra

The snares be snaring.

Basting Stuff

I’m not particularly patriotic, but as my arteries seize underneath waves of buttery, garlicy steak, I pray, “God Bless America.”

35. Stranger

Father of the Bride

Skipping the bridge is self-care.

34. Sunflower

Father of the Bride

Pre “Bad Habit” Steve Lacy was something else.

33. Taxi Cab

Contra

Contra is a fairly underrated breakup album.

32. Sympathy

Father of the Bride

Spanish guitar? I will be there.

31. Everlasting Arms

Modern Vampires of the City

Me trusting FPL twitter.

30. Mansard Roof

Vampire Weekend

I’m literally Good Will Hunting.

Sautéed in Asian Vegetables

#IncreaseAsianHate

29. California English

Contra

Bring back L’Homme Run.

28. Obvious Bicycles

Modern Vampires of the City

Perhaps their most nonsensical song title, but what a way to start an album.

27. Bambina

Father of the Bride

If this song was a minute longer, Bernie would’ve won the 2020 primaries.

26. Worship You

Modern Vampires of the City

Worship You + Ya Hey >>>>> Walcott as live closers sorry

25. Holiday

Contra

#1 song of the summer since 2010.

24. M79

Vampire Weekend

Carpilled maniacs wouldn’t get it.

Garlic Parmesan Wings

Gonna order a minority to bring me some Wingstop after I publish this. (Disclaimer: Gone Gazing sponsored by Doordash)

23. Cousins

Contra

I’m literally greatest hits 2006, little list maker.

22. Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Vampire Weekend

Supreme x Louis Vuitton 2017 was the peak of streetwear, and its ultimate demise.

21. Big Blue

Father of the Bride

I listened to this song atop a snowy peak of the Rocky Mountains, and it was the first time I felt God.

20. Flower Moon

Father of the Bride

Coca-cola and red wine is the only tolerable way to drink red wine.

19. Unbelievers

Modern Vampires of the City

Vampire Weekend’s answer to Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” – maybe Catholics are still cooking.

18. How Long?

Father of the Bride

Womp, womp womp womp womp womp womp

The Old Dominos Breadsticks

It’s never been the same.

17. Finger Back

Modern Vampires of the City

“I don’t want to live like this, but I don’t want to die” is the mantra.

16. Oxford Comma

Vampire Weekend

Lil’ John carried Usher’s career.

15. Ottoman

Vampire Weekend (B-side)

The greatest B-side of all time.

14. This Life

Father of the Bride

Cheating rocks.

13. Diane Young

Modern Vampires of the City

Dying young rocks.

12. Unbearably White

Father of the Bride

Being white rocks.

Garlic Shrimp

You don’t know shrimp until its drowning in a cup of butter, swimming alongside tufts of garlic and shimmering parsley. Shout out José Andrés.

11. Giving Up the Gun

Contra

When the witch is dead, how many Taylor Swift exes will have appeared in this music video?

10. A-Punk

Vampire Weekend

In an alternate universe where this song didn’t play first when you plugged in your iPod, would we have gotten MVOTC?

9. Campus

Vampire Weekend

Rostam is the best producer of this generation.

8. Don’t Lie

Modern Vampires of the City

Propositioning married women never sounded so good.

7. Horchata

Contra

When its December and I’m drinking horchata (drink) and listening to “Horchata” (song) – that’s paradise.

6. Ya Hey

Modern Vampires of the City

“Through the Fire and Flames” on Guitar Hero 3 is harder than any Soulsborne boss.

Garlic Naan

Brooooooooooooo.

5. Walcott

Vampire Weekend

Yeah I lied if they don’t close out MSG with this song I’m rioting.

4. Step

Modern Vampires of the City

My record collection too nuanced, my investment portfolio too whimsical, my fits too esoteric.

3. Harmony Hall

Father of the Bride

I shared my first-year dorm with a ROTC student who left the room in the early morning every day for training. Waking up to his alarms was pain, but not on the January morning of Vampire Weekend’s first new song in six years.

2. Diplomat’s Son

Contra

We will never hear a richer, weirder, darker, gayer Vampire Weekend song than this.

1. Hannah Hunt

Modern Vampires of the City

Always has been, always will be.

With four singles out from the upcoming Only God Was Above Us, where will the ten new tracks rank in the Vampire Weekend universe come April 5th? As an early assessment, “Mary Boone” is their best song since “Hannah Hunt” – Vampire Weekend really does hit when the song title is some lady’s government name.