Legendary sci-fi director David Cronenberg’s newest project Crimes of the Future hit theatres earlier this June in the US, following acclaim amidst walkouts at its Cannes premiere. Crimes of the Future sputtered at the box office against major summer blockbusters Top Gun: Maverick and the Morbius re-release, though that was always the expectation considering the genre.
Engaging performances from stars Kristen Stewart, Léa Seydoux, and Viggo Mortensen power the futuristic setting of the film where the limits of performative art, medicine, and the human form are pushed to a breaking point. Horror fans and nurse practitioners alike will find joy in this modern classic from Cronenberg, and viewers should expect a strong push behind the film at the upcoming Academy Awards.
Now I must admit that I haven’t seen Crimes of the Future – I pulled all of that out of the movie’s Wikipedia page. Instead, I’ll be highlighting a few crimes that’ll probably occur in the future or are already on the rise. These offenses are seen as “camp” and “eerily permissible” and we highly encourage our vagrant readers to keep these trendy crimes of the future in mind.
Tarring and Feathering
Tarring and feathering is primed for a dramatic comeback this summer, alongside doxing elected officials and low waist jeans. What better way to respond to the inadequacy of our government than bringing back the famous 18th century tradition? No more dunking on Ted Cruz for retweets or reposting activism graphics made with a Canva Pro free trial (this line is sponsored by my pirated Adobe Illustrator 2020) in between Instagram stories of suspiciously expensive European vacations (this line is sponsored by my dad’s credit card). The concept can also be modified depending on the event, such as tarring and Juul-pod-ing for vapers’ rights protests This vintage public humiliation is perfect for cops, IRS agents, and Depop scammers alike and has the making of a viral Tiktok trend when combined with the Chicken Little soundtrack.
Pop-Punk Music
The Supreme Court recently handed down a landmark decision in “Pop-punk fans VS People with a shred of musical taste” confirming that being exposed to Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly’s relationship is unconstitutional under the 8th Amendment. Conservative Justices Brett Cavanaugh and Clarence Thomas both dissented due to their status as sexual predators with assault allegations from multiple parties, similar to many pop-punk front men in the industry. Amy Coney Barret chimed in with, “I love Panic! At The Disco, especially after Ryan Ross left the band.” Do we really trust these people to lead our country?
The recent rise in pop-punk music driven by industry plants like WILLOW and Olivia Rodrigo in addition to Gerard Way’s Netflix money are reviving a genre that should have remained dead and buried. Repetitive guitar riffs, strained vocals, and pedantic lyrics all combine to power the soundtrack behind upper middle class white kids’ angst. It’s impossible to ignore the damaging effects it’s having on our youth as we watch a new wave of teenage dirtbags scour the Goodwill bins for double knees and make playlists called “grunge aesthetic” featuring Arctic Monkeys and Billie Eilish.
The best to come out of this post-Pinkerton genre will always be the receding hairline that Travis Barker’s tattoo artist drew on his bald head. Hey, I’ve got a Simple Plan – let’s put this business of misery behind us and make Viva Las Vengeance flop.
Regular Crime but in the Metaverse
Built like randomized Sims, future metaverse inhabitants with criminal intentions will find themselves in a whole new world of endless possibility. With a bit of Zuckerberg charm, our digital future once Earth is uninhabitable can be turned into the average GTA Online lobby, all streamed on Facebook Live. Or it might just look like real-life, fit with wage theft and night core sped-up song remixes. Regardless, once I’m hooked up to my San Junipero VR-machine there won’t be much stopping me from living out the intrusive thoughts in the metaverse, as long as I can hide from the discord mods.
Misleading Titles
Alright, alright. Guilty as charged.
With that, Gone Gazing awards Crimes of the Future with a respectable score of 3 out of 5. While not for everyone, including myself, Cronenberg’s newest work remains equal parts revolting and though provoking. The film provides the Twilight x LOTR Trilogy crossover that at least one millennial was asking for, and builds a creative backboard for future lawbreakers to explore the boundaries of crime, ever-expanding as the newest manmade horrors trend on Twitter during your 15-minute lunch break.
gone gazing 